When I was conducting an orchestra, there would have been no chance of us getting anything accomplished if all the members of the orchestra worked against me.  Knowing that we were in it together also allowed me to employ my favorite leadership style, where I sought consensus on things from the group, then moved in that direction.  But our political climate has become an environment where we can’t even agree with someone that we actually agree with, if they are of a different political party.  We are on the same team, but we have forgotten that.

My sister and aunt were telling me about how competitive law school was for them.  People would hide books in the library, tear out pages, or check out everything so that others couldn’t get to the materials they needed.  Divinity school, by contrast has people who post their study guides and their class notes in Dropbox along with other common resources that everyone may find useful.  There is no competition, only love and support for each other.  We are people from a variety of faith traditions and political affiliations, yet when we have discussions on theological issues, we share our ideas in ways that affirm each other and we all grow from seeing a point of view that we hadn’t experienced before.

We may not be able to change the tone of politics everywhere, but we can start in our own part of the world. As things heat up politically in this election year, we have a choice in how we share out deepest political values.  If you can’t understand how someone can vote for that person or support that position, this may be a good time to take that person out to lunch and listen.  If you are a person who can only share your political views in a negative way against someone else, learn more about how you can share your views for the person you support in a positive way.

Like I said in my last blog, ALL of us need to listen better.  If we learn how do do this, we can make beautiful music together.

My church history professor Dr. Pak is equipping us with a wonderful gift this semester – the ability to learn about someone else’s position and completely understand where they are coming from, without having the need to interject our own opinion.  She understands the value of this not only in ministry but in life.  In her class this will be in the context of learning about important people of church history.

On the papers we write, she wants us to show our understanding of this person’s theology and their point of view.  It doesn’t really matter right now whether we agree with it or not, that’s not the purpose.  The purpose is about really knowing what that person believed.

I have been guilty of a few of things that have kept me from being a good listener.  First is looking at what someone else is saying through a certain lens, ready to pounce on them and argue with them at any point if their view differs from mine.  Second,  having a sense of disagreement with them without really knowing what they are about. Third, having an overeagerness to find areas that we overlap.  While I think this is important, I think it is more important to truly understand their position before trying to line it up with our own.

Our assigned reading this weekend was on John Calvin.  I’ve never read anything that he has written, and yet whenever I heard the words “election” and “predestination” I instantly bristled at those words as concepts that I don’t believe in. What I discovered in reading his words is that I had always heard them used in a way that promoted religious arrogance, from people talking about themselves as the elect that God chose to save.  What I found instead was a point of view that came from humility, that returns the act of saving grace to God and God alone.  While my Methodist beliefs prevail and I believe that God’s saving grace is offered to everyone, I feel that my faith has been enriched by learning about the context of the reforms that Calvin believed in and the scripture and tradition that he based those thoughts on.

As a person who talks to much, this is a step towards growing in the art of listening to others.

The past few months have been a sort of an internal struggle for me. The last time I had this much of a desire to have one foot in childhood and one foot in adulthood was when I was a rebellious teenager, wanting to do whatever I wanted, but still wanting to have the stability that my parents provided for me.

We usually think about becoming an adult at 18 or 21, when we get married, when we get our first apartment, when we buy our first house, or when we have a child.  At each of those milestones, I felt some independence, but my parents were always there for me.  Now that they are gone, I go back and forth between missing them and in finding new strength as I incorporate their best values into my new adult self.

When I miss them and have felt like being a little kid, it has given me comfort to wear some of their clothes – my mom’s long sleeved t shirts and my dad’s sweaters. At the ends of their lives, all of their rough edges had melted away and they were cuddly and affectionate people who just wanted to be warm and comfortable.

The other day, my mailman, Curtis, who I chat with pretty much on a daily basis, told me that my sweater looked really out of date.  At first I thought it was kind of funny – who sees postal workers as the fashion police?!  But then I realized that his offhand comment was a prophetic voice to me.  I’ve had the sense that I’ve been hiding, but I thought I was dealing with everything on my radar.  In a retreat last Saturday, we had the opportunity to write on some prompts that invited us to really search our hearts for places that needed God to work. Apparently, there were still some things in there that needed God’s healing light to shine one them.

The daily emails from Griefshare usually don’t speak to exactly where I am, until this past week, when they had some on the topic of regret.  Exploring that emotion touched a nerve. A counselor pointed out to me how this could be the stage of bargaining, where I think that if I would have done all the right things, I could have changed the outcome of my parents lives.  Pretty deep stuff.

Sometimes when we have some kind of pain like that, deep down, we go into hiding of some type .  For me it has been putting on weight and wrapping myself in comfort clothing like my Dad’s sweaters. My friend Julie inspires me with posts about her struggles with exercise and usually ends with #fightthefrump.  I realized that I was losing the battle with the frump.

My daughters used to always serve as the “frump police” for me.  Once when I tried to wear running shoes with a skirt, Danielle just had to give me that look that said, “Seriously?” But now I have to figure out these things for myself.

My daughter Brittany has inspired me to get back on track with a wonderful food blog called Skinny Urban Chef, where she re-works delicious recipes to be more health conscious.

My parents left me with many blessings.  I’m driving my big girl car, my dad’s Buick LeSabre and was able to pay off everything to become completely debt free.  In trying to figure out what “my age” looks like for me, I feel like I can come out of hiding, put my parents’ clothes away, leave frumpiness behind, and step into the big girl world.

My friend Shyloe talked in class one day about talking to a child in Sunday school about Jesus.  You ask Jesus to come into your heart and he will live there with you. Everything about this is beautiful.  As children, we see Jesus as a kind, loving, gentle shepherd and having him live in our heart means that we will never be alone and our heart will be filled with love. When we are tempted to kick over someone else’s sandcastle, we can be reminded that Jesus lives in our heart and makes us more kind and loving than that.  In the churches I grew up in, we got in touch with that sense of Jesus in our hearts when we took fruit baskets and toys at Christmas to the poor in our neighborhoods.  We brought our pennies to Sunday school to sponsor a needy child in another country. Giving a dime for each dollar of our allowance every week made us feel like a useful and connected part of a place that was doing good things for others. When children in Sunday school feel the warmth of having Jesus in their heart, there is no intolerance, no hate, and no judgment.

In my faith, I have been allowed to drift in and out of a walk with God, until the time came that I was ready to completely follow.  I had a wise pastor once who gave us permission to “put things on the shelf” that we didn’t understand or had trouble believing.  He knew that many of the people in his congregation were wresting with the virgin birth, the resurrection, and the church’s stance on social issues. I have had the freedom to love the person of Jesus as I understood him as a little girl and then let that faith grow up.

One of my professors at Asbury said that when you are reading something, keep in mind the perspective of what they are reacting to.  What I generally react to in issues of evangelism, is churches that have a less patient call to discipleship than what I experienced growing up in the United Methodist church.

Laying down this conditional salvation – believe this even if you don’t believe this – makes some people bristle at the name of Jesus, instead of feeling the warmth of his love.  Like an arranged marriage, it’s a condition that you love someone before you know who he is. I heard a sermon once where the pastor was talking about the resurrection and said, “If you don’t believe Jesus rose from the dead, there’s no reason for you to come back next week.”  My UMC pastor at the time said, “I think if you don’t believe that, then there is EVERY reason for you to come back the next week.”  Being on a spiritual journey means that we are continually searching for the ways that God is revealing himself to us.  There are things in the Bible that are difficult to understand, but the joy of the journey is in working out the questions, not just accepting answers from someone else’s journey. I can’t imagine my spiritual journey without all of the influences of communities of faith that have shaped me.  But, it’s been my journey, where I have been free to accept and reject other people’s theology, and I have been free to grow and change the way I understand things with by growing in a more faithful interpretation of scripture, continued experience and revelation.

For some, who enter this journey of faith like an arranged marriage, it works.  They take a leap of faith before they understand, but then they grow in their love by truly getting to know Jesus.  For some, they accept the arrangement as a “get out of hell” card, and never bother to know the love and beauty of walking with God. These sometimes seem to be the loudest voices we hear in our society.  The insincerity of their claim of faith fails to ring true, which causes others to believe that this is what a walk with Jesus looks like.  For others, they grow to this love, gradually, over a lifetime, learning more in every experience, and growing deeper in their love for God and their neighbors.

In last week’s Gospel lesson (Mark 1:14 -20 ) I noticed that when Jesus calls his disciples, he doesn’t threaten them with going to hell if they don’t’ follow, he doesn’t promise them wealth if they do follow, and he doesn’t have to talk them into it.  He knows their hearts and knows that they are ready and simply asks them to follow. And they do.

I went to see The Descendants the other night.  I thought the end of life issues would hit home the most, but it was the emptiness of the marriage and infidelity that made me the saddest.  Single people think that if they just meet the right person, they will be happy.  Lots of married people think the grass is greener and that they need to be with someone else to be happy. Even in the news, a politician has an ideal in his mind that he can’t seem to live out in his own life. I know exactly what that feels like.  Ironically the title of this blog is based on a book, not for single people, but for married people.  It seems that we need a book to tell us how to love each other.

While there are people who don’t have enough to eat, we overeat because even in our abundance we aren’t satisfied. We pray for good health, but then fail to value it and we don’t live our lives to their full potential. We have enough resources to provide for our needs, but then squander them on  material things because we feel like we need to have just a little more. It seems that a version of hell is having something in abundance, but not feeling like you have enough.  The thing that you think you need, is not really what you need after all.

This is like drinking beer on a sunny afternoon at the beach.  When you get thirsty, it sounds like just the thing to quench your thirst, but the more you drink, the thirstier you get. What you really need is cool water, but instead you choose something that will make you dehydrated instead of refreshed.

In my Mad Men obsession, Don Draper (if you watch the show), who just can’t stay away from the ladies, reminds me of the men I have been drawn to – handsome, successful, intelligent, passionate, but also someone who craves love so intensely, he never seems to get everything he needs from one person.  This has always been my type because I always wanted to be the one to give them the love that they wanted.  Even though I thought that I was giving, what I was really trying to do was get the love that I wanted.  But as it turns out, a person’s deepest needs for love can’t be met by another person.  Some people are missing a deeper source of love and no matter how much human love they are given, it’s still not enough.

I have some married friends that really have it right.   They are filled with God’s love and working together to build each other up and bring each other closer to God.  It is a beautiful thing.

When I was in Thursday’s chapel service, I sat and listened to the prelude, sang joyous hymns from my heart, heard a wonderful message about Jesus knowing our hearts, and participated in the Lord’s Supper.  Sitting in my favorite sacred place with this blessed community that fills me up with the love of God, I am finally getting the love that I have always wanted.

Last week before school started, I had a few days that I just felt gripped with something I could only identify as fear.  Such disabling fear that for about 3 days I spent a ridiculous amount of time sitting on the couch watching Mad Men on Netflicks.  Of course, this led me to the knowledge that I can’t subscribe to Netflicks when my 30 day trial is over, because I don’t have enough self control.  I couldn’t watch just one episode of Mad Men, I had to watch all 4 seasons. In spite of the fact that this is an addictive program with pretty people, pretty clothes, and pretty furniture, I couldn’t help but feel that I was hiding from something.

Now that I’ve come out of hiding, I’ve realized that this is a lesson that I have to learn over and over again in life.  Burying the fears under chocolate or massive quantities of TV viewing just makes them grow.  The only way to really get to the root of it is to shine a flashlight on those monsters under the bed. I am fortunate that my spiritual director, Carolyn, knows how to shine the light on the questions.  Sometimes I am working so hard at finding solutions that I forget to look at the questions.

So, what am I afraid of?  Well, semester one at Duke was just about the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  While I emerged victorious in spite of some pretty serious challenges, there is the fear that I won’t be able to do it again.  This is the usual – I’m not smart enough, I don’t belong here, I’m a lazy slacker (just look at me sitting here watching TV), I’ll get bad grades, or I won’t be able to keep up with all the work.

Fear #2.  Now that my parents are gone, so is my safety net – financially and emotionally.  I’m it. I need to be the one making the good financial decisions and managing everything appropriately. Scary.

Fear #3. I’m going to fall apart. Even after thousands of tears, I know that the grieving process is unpredictable.  Some mornings I wake up and I just miss my mommy.  Am I going to burst into tears at some random moment in the grocery store when I see Bud Lite, chicken strips, or some other food that my Dad liked?

Fear #4.  I’ve discerned some powerful callings that have called for some pretty big changes in my life.  What if there are more changes on the horizon?

But here’s the thing, even if the worst happens, so what?  I’ve cried in the grocery store plenty of times.  I’m sure I’ll make some bad decisions and there will be times that I’m a slacker, watching TV when I should be reading something.  Change, in spite of my lifelong opposition to it, is not a bad thing.  The fact is, I am on an amazing journey.  I have wonderful support people, and beautiful resources.  I feel that the path I’m on is one that is helping me tune in to God’s plan for my life and the journey feels good and right, even when it’s hard.  I’ve learned that relying on God works out much better than relying on myself.

This song from church on Sunday has been in my head all week.  This isn’t from the Duke Chapel, though, just a recording I liked on YouTube.

So, what was I afraid of?

From the number of my Facebook friends who shared this link, this kid must be speaking to someone.  To me, he sounds like a person who was unhappy with the narrow minded religion he was raised in, so he is now criticizing it in favor of his own narrow minded views.   A definition of religion is – the worship and service to God. I don’t happen to think that’s a bad thing, but we have never been able to agree on one right way to do that.  So, what’s the solution, give up religion?  Criticize those with different beliefs?  Shut out people who don’t agree with you?

Actually, it’s much simpler than that.  Decide to enter a journey into a lifetime of knowing God more fully.  Be open to where God wants to take you.  Find a community that helps you on your journey.  Yes, this could be considered religion.  If you find that you have outgrown your faith community and they are no longer helping you grow, find another that fits better.  If someone says something that you disagree with, listen to them and try to understand where they are coming from.  If they are in a different place, make sure you are secure in you own beliefs, instead of trying to convince someone of something you’re not even sure about.

Of course religion is flawed.  It’s flawed because it’s a bunch of humans trying to figure out answers to something beyond our comprehension.  We’re asking for God to fit our world instead of finding how our lives fit into God’s world.  Instead of criticizing how other people are stumbling around on their faith journey, we need to find our own journey, commit to it, and follow it.  If we come across things that we don’t understand, we are allowed to put them up on the shelf and think about them a little longer.  But, no one ever grew in their religion by standing back and criticizing others.

So, jump in, follow God, find a community of faith to support you.  And geez, quit whining.

A few years ago, my weight got ridiculously out of control. I was heavier than I had ever been.  As a child and young adult, I never had problems with being overweight.  Even after childbirth, I got back down to 117 pounds, both times.  I had this big weight gain after getting a Master’s degree and National Board certification in teaching, while teaching full time, working part time as a church choir director, and being a single parent to two teenagers. It just got away from me.  We ate at McDonalds more than we ate at the dinner table.  I was busy but not active.  The weight went on gradually until one day when I realized that I was on my way to a very unhealthy lifestyle.

I immediately changed the way I ate and started looking at food as fuel instead of comfort.  I worked out with a super adorable personal trainer.  I got into the best shape of my life.  I had energy, my clothes fit, and I felt healthy.  You would think that a person would hold onto that kind of health for a lifetime.

But, no, here I am, not quite as out of shape as I was back then, but weighing more than I did when I was full term with my first baby.  What the heck happened?

There is really something to the “freshman fifteen” if you’re not careful. There is so much reading, that many hours are spent planted on the couch or a comfortable chair.  You can’t read material this difficult and walk on the treadmill, especially while having to highlight things that you want to discuss in class.  On days when classes are back to back, comfort food beckons.  I didn’t gain that much while I lived at Emerald Pond because it was very satisfying food in small portions.  When I was studying for exams, my sweet tooth came out so strong, I probably could have just gnawed on a roll of cookie dough (I didn’t, but I could have). Study food turned out to be ice cream, M&M’s, and cookies.

Then, there’s the grieving.  I don’t know why we associate food with grief, but when you are in pain like that, nothing seems to matter.  Ricks Diner, here in Durham is a place with some serious comfort food.  Two funerals in two successive months meant a whole lot of comfort food.

It would take a huge change in lifestyle to eat better during the holidays. Going out to eat with family and friends, the German buffet at Epcot, Brian’s in Orlando, which really does have the best sweet buns in town, all of these cute little places in Durham – Guglehupf, Scratch, Rue Cler, and Fosters that all had to be explored with company in town.

I refused to make resolutions because I knew that it would just be a matter of time before I broke them. Instead, I took a single step – Weight Watchers.  I went to my first meeting, started writing down my food, and am back on the road to making better choices.  If I get 26 points a day, is a 14 point piece of champagne cake worth it?  Well, yeah, it was absolutely worth it on New Year’s day.  But every day after that?  No.

I have a lot of things on the shelf that are waiting for more discernment to come.  Should I go to Spain this summer and walk the Camino de Santiago or should I go to the Smokey Mountains instead?  Should I be a student pastor next year or just do field experience?  Those decisions will come when the time is right.

But for right now, I am taking one step at a time.  Weight Watchers.  Walking through the woods with Gracie. Getting my brain ready to be back in school.  Worshipping with my whole heart.

Life is good.

Instead of resolutions, I have questions:  How am I called to serve?  What are the areas that need growth in my life?  Who are the people that I need to walk with?  How do I worship authentically?  What do I need to learn?  What disciplines do I need to develop?  What does restorative sabbath time look like for me? How can I take better care of my physical health?

I look forward to seeing how God will guide me this year and to transform these questions into actions.

As we come to the end of 2011, it’s a time to say goodbye to another year.  One of my biggest life lessons in the past year is that you can’t keep endings from coming, but you can make the decision to finish well.  This can mean a variety of things in different situations, but when you live honorably, there is peace in your endings.

Ending well in work means that you will be on good terms with your boss and co-workers as you move onto another position.  Ending a semester well in school means that you do your very best all the way through, no matter what challenges you face.  Ending a relationship well means that you remain friends and continue to pray for good things for the other person.  Ending a year well means that you can give thanks for the wisdom gained in that year from walking through the highs and lows with God.

I am ending this year with two people that I treasure, my sister and my Aunt Charlotte. Over the past few days, we have enjoyed the delightful dining in Durham, explored new territory, dreamed new dreams, and celebrated with new friends.  While this has been a bittersweet year, my heart continues to be molded into something that feels everything more deeply.

Because my parents lived honorable lives, they finished well. My mom changed the lives of countless students, many with special needs, and many who were incarcerated, and left a love of learning and thirst for adventure to all whose lives she touched.  Even after she was gone, she is still serving her church through an endowment that she left.

My dad touched many lives with his humor and generosity.  His green thumb allowed him to create a beautiful environment in nature wherever he lived.  His funeral honored his 23 years of military service.  As they presented the flag to my sister and me and played taps, we felt that this was a beautiful ending to an honorable life.

"On behalf of the President of the United States, the Department of the Air Force, and a grateful nation, we offer this flag for the faithful and dedicated service of Master Sergeant Roswell S. Harding."

For everything lost and everything gained, everything celebrated and everything grieved, 2011 has indeed finished well.