My friend Shyloe talked in class one day about talking to a child in Sunday school about Jesus.  You ask Jesus to come into your heart and he will live there with you. Everything about this is beautiful.  As children, we see Jesus as a kind, loving, gentle shepherd and having him live in our heart means that we will never be alone and our heart will be filled with love. When we are tempted to kick over someone else’s sandcastle, we can be reminded that Jesus lives in our heart and makes us more kind and loving than that.  In the churches I grew up in, we got in touch with that sense of Jesus in our hearts when we took fruit baskets and toys at Christmas to the poor in our neighborhoods.  We brought our pennies to Sunday school to sponsor a needy child in another country. Giving a dime for each dollar of our allowance every week made us feel like a useful and connected part of a place that was doing good things for others. When children in Sunday school feel the warmth of having Jesus in their heart, there is no intolerance, no hate, and no judgment.

In my faith, I have been allowed to drift in and out of a walk with God, until the time came that I was ready to completely follow.  I had a wise pastor once who gave us permission to “put things on the shelf” that we didn’t understand or had trouble believing.  He knew that many of the people in his congregation were wresting with the virgin birth, the resurrection, and the church’s stance on social issues. I have had the freedom to love the person of Jesus as I understood him as a little girl and then let that faith grow up.

One of my professors at Asbury said that when you are reading something, keep in mind the perspective of what they are reacting to.  What I generally react to in issues of evangelism, is churches that have a less patient call to discipleship than what I experienced growing up in the United Methodist church.

Laying down this conditional salvation – believe this even if you don’t believe this – makes some people bristle at the name of Jesus, instead of feeling the warmth of his love.  Like an arranged marriage, it’s a condition that you love someone before you know who he is. I heard a sermon once where the pastor was talking about the resurrection and said, “If you don’t believe Jesus rose from the dead, there’s no reason for you to come back next week.”  My UMC pastor at the time said, “I think if you don’t believe that, then there is EVERY reason for you to come back the next week.”  Being on a spiritual journey means that we are continually searching for the ways that God is revealing himself to us.  There are things in the Bible that are difficult to understand, but the joy of the journey is in working out the questions, not just accepting answers from someone else’s journey. I can’t imagine my spiritual journey without all of the influences of communities of faith that have shaped me.  But, it’s been my journey, where I have been free to accept and reject other people’s theology, and I have been free to grow and change the way I understand things with by growing in a more faithful interpretation of scripture, continued experience and revelation.

For some, who enter this journey of faith like an arranged marriage, it works.  They take a leap of faith before they understand, but then they grow in their love by truly getting to know Jesus.  For some, they accept the arrangement as a “get out of hell” card, and never bother to know the love and beauty of walking with God. These sometimes seem to be the loudest voices we hear in our society.  The insincerity of their claim of faith fails to ring true, which causes others to believe that this is what a walk with Jesus looks like.  For others, they grow to this love, gradually, over a lifetime, learning more in every experience, and growing deeper in their love for God and their neighbors.

In last week’s Gospel lesson (Mark 1:14 -20 ) I noticed that when Jesus calls his disciples, he doesn’t threaten them with going to hell if they don’t’ follow, he doesn’t promise them wealth if they do follow, and he doesn’t have to talk them into it.  He knows their hearts and knows that they are ready and simply asks them to follow. And they do.

I went to see The Descendants the other night.  I thought the end of life issues would hit home the most, but it was the emptiness of the marriage and infidelity that made me the saddest.  Single people think that if they just meet the right person, they will be happy.  Lots of married people think the grass is greener and that they need to be with someone else to be happy. Even in the news, a politician has an ideal in his mind that he can’t seem to live out in his own life. I know exactly what that feels like.  Ironically the title of this blog is based on a book, not for single people, but for married people.  It seems that we need a book to tell us how to love each other.

While there are people who don’t have enough to eat, we overeat because even in our abundance we aren’t satisfied. We pray for good health, but then fail to value it and we don’t live our lives to their full potential. We have enough resources to provide for our needs, but then squander them on  material things because we feel like we need to have just a little more. It seems that a version of hell is having something in abundance, but not feeling like you have enough.  The thing that you think you need, is not really what you need after all.

This is like drinking beer on a sunny afternoon at the beach.  When you get thirsty, it sounds like just the thing to quench your thirst, but the more you drink, the thirstier you get. What you really need is cool water, but instead you choose something that will make you dehydrated instead of refreshed.

In my Mad Men obsession, Don Draper (if you watch the show), who just can’t stay away from the ladies, reminds me of the men I have been drawn to – handsome, successful, intelligent, passionate, but also someone who craves love so intensely, he never seems to get everything he needs from one person.  This has always been my type because I always wanted to be the one to give them the love that they wanted.  Even though I thought that I was giving, what I was really trying to do was get the love that I wanted.  But as it turns out, a person’s deepest needs for love can’t be met by another person.  Some people are missing a deeper source of love and no matter how much human love they are given, it’s still not enough.

I have some married friends that really have it right.   They are filled with God’s love and working together to build each other up and bring each other closer to God.  It is a beautiful thing.

When I was in Thursday’s chapel service, I sat and listened to the prelude, sang joyous hymns from my heart, heard a wonderful message about Jesus knowing our hearts, and participated in the Lord’s Supper.  Sitting in my favorite sacred place with this blessed community that fills me up with the love of God, I am finally getting the love that I have always wanted.

Last week before school started, I had a few days that I just felt gripped with something I could only identify as fear.  Such disabling fear that for about 3 days I spent a ridiculous amount of time sitting on the couch watching Mad Men on Netflicks.  Of course, this led me to the knowledge that I can’t subscribe to Netflicks when my 30 day trial is over, because I don’t have enough self control.  I couldn’t watch just one episode of Mad Men, I had to watch all 4 seasons. In spite of the fact that this is an addictive program with pretty people, pretty clothes, and pretty furniture, I couldn’t help but feel that I was hiding from something.

Now that I’ve come out of hiding, I’ve realized that this is a lesson that I have to learn over and over again in life.  Burying the fears under chocolate or massive quantities of TV viewing just makes them grow.  The only way to really get to the root of it is to shine a flashlight on those monsters under the bed. I am fortunate that my spiritual director, Carolyn, knows how to shine the light on the questions.  Sometimes I am working so hard at finding solutions that I forget to look at the questions.

So, what am I afraid of?  Well, semester one at Duke was just about the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  While I emerged victorious in spite of some pretty serious challenges, there is the fear that I won’t be able to do it again.  This is the usual – I’m not smart enough, I don’t belong here, I’m a lazy slacker (just look at me sitting here watching TV), I’ll get bad grades, or I won’t be able to keep up with all the work.

Fear #2.  Now that my parents are gone, so is my safety net – financially and emotionally.  I’m it. I need to be the one making the good financial decisions and managing everything appropriately. Scary.

Fear #3. I’m going to fall apart. Even after thousands of tears, I know that the grieving process is unpredictable.  Some mornings I wake up and I just miss my mommy.  Am I going to burst into tears at some random moment in the grocery store when I see Bud Lite, chicken strips, or some other food that my Dad liked?

Fear #4.  I’ve discerned some powerful callings that have called for some pretty big changes in my life.  What if there are more changes on the horizon?

But here’s the thing, even if the worst happens, so what?  I’ve cried in the grocery store plenty of times.  I’m sure I’ll make some bad decisions and there will be times that I’m a slacker, watching TV when I should be reading something.  Change, in spite of my lifelong opposition to it, is not a bad thing.  The fact is, I am on an amazing journey.  I have wonderful support people, and beautiful resources.  I feel that the path I’m on is one that is helping me tune in to God’s plan for my life and the journey feels good and right, even when it’s hard.  I’ve learned that relying on God works out much better than relying on myself.

This song from church on Sunday has been in my head all week.  This isn’t from the Duke Chapel, though, just a recording I liked on YouTube.

So, what was I afraid of?

From the number of my Facebook friends who shared this link, this kid must be speaking to someone.  To me, he sounds like a person who was unhappy with the narrow minded religion he was raised in, so he is now criticizing it in favor of his own narrow minded views.   A definition of religion is – the worship and service to God. I don’t happen to think that’s a bad thing, but we have never been able to agree on one right way to do that.  So, what’s the solution, give up religion?  Criticize those with different beliefs?  Shut out people who don’t agree with you?

Actually, it’s much simpler than that.  Decide to enter a journey into a lifetime of knowing God more fully.  Be open to where God wants to take you.  Find a community that helps you on your journey.  Yes, this could be considered religion.  If you find that you have outgrown your faith community and they are no longer helping you grow, find another that fits better.  If someone says something that you disagree with, listen to them and try to understand where they are coming from.  If they are in a different place, make sure you are secure in you own beliefs, instead of trying to convince someone of something you’re not even sure about.

Of course religion is flawed.  It’s flawed because it’s a bunch of humans trying to figure out answers to something beyond our comprehension.  We’re asking for God to fit our world instead of finding how our lives fit into God’s world.  Instead of criticizing how other people are stumbling around on their faith journey, we need to find our own journey, commit to it, and follow it.  If we come across things that we don’t understand, we are allowed to put them up on the shelf and think about them a little longer.  But, no one ever grew in their religion by standing back and criticizing others.

So, jump in, follow God, find a community of faith to support you.  And geez, quit whining.

A few years ago, my weight got ridiculously out of control. I was heavier than I had ever been.  As a child and young adult, I never had problems with being overweight.  Even after childbirth, I got back down to 117 pounds, both times.  I had this big weight gain after getting a Master’s degree and National Board certification in teaching, while teaching full time, working part time as a church choir director, and being a single parent to two teenagers. It just got away from me.  We ate at McDonalds more than we ate at the dinner table.  I was busy but not active.  The weight went on gradually until one day when I realized that I was on my way to a very unhealthy lifestyle.

I immediately changed the way I ate and started looking at food as fuel instead of comfort.  I worked out with a super adorable personal trainer.  I got into the best shape of my life.  I had energy, my clothes fit, and I felt healthy.  You would think that a person would hold onto that kind of health for a lifetime.

But, no, here I am, not quite as out of shape as I was back then, but weighing more than I did when I was full term with my first baby.  What the heck happened?

There is really something to the “freshman fifteen” if you’re not careful. There is so much reading, that many hours are spent planted on the couch or a comfortable chair.  You can’t read material this difficult and walk on the treadmill, especially while having to highlight things that you want to discuss in class.  On days when classes are back to back, comfort food beckons.  I didn’t gain that much while I lived at Emerald Pond because it was very satisfying food in small portions.  When I was studying for exams, my sweet tooth came out so strong, I probably could have just gnawed on a roll of cookie dough (I didn’t, but I could have). Study food turned out to be ice cream, M&M’s, and cookies.

Then, there’s the grieving.  I don’t know why we associate food with grief, but when you are in pain like that, nothing seems to matter.  Ricks Diner, here in Durham is a place with some serious comfort food.  Two funerals in two successive months meant a whole lot of comfort food.

It would take a huge change in lifestyle to eat better during the holidays. Going out to eat with family and friends, the German buffet at Epcot, Brian’s in Orlando, which really does have the best sweet buns in town, all of these cute little places in Durham – Guglehupf, Scratch, Rue Cler, and Fosters that all had to be explored with company in town.

I refused to make resolutions because I knew that it would just be a matter of time before I broke them. Instead, I took a single step – Weight Watchers.  I went to my first meeting, started writing down my food, and am back on the road to making better choices.  If I get 26 points a day, is a 14 point piece of champagne cake worth it?  Well, yeah, it was absolutely worth it on New Year’s day.  But every day after that?  No.

I have a lot of things on the shelf that are waiting for more discernment to come.  Should I go to Spain this summer and walk the Camino de Santiago or should I go to the Smokey Mountains instead?  Should I be a student pastor next year or just do field experience?  Those decisions will come when the time is right.

But for right now, I am taking one step at a time.  Weight Watchers.  Walking through the woods with Gracie. Getting my brain ready to be back in school.  Worshipping with my whole heart.

Life is good.

Instead of resolutions, I have questions:  How am I called to serve?  What are the areas that need growth in my life?  Who are the people that I need to walk with?  How do I worship authentically?  What do I need to learn?  What disciplines do I need to develop?  What does restorative sabbath time look like for me? How can I take better care of my physical health?

I look forward to seeing how God will guide me this year and to transform these questions into actions.

As we come to the end of 2011, it’s a time to say goodbye to another year.  One of my biggest life lessons in the past year is that you can’t keep endings from coming, but you can make the decision to finish well.  This can mean a variety of things in different situations, but when you live honorably, there is peace in your endings.

Ending well in work means that you will be on good terms with your boss and co-workers as you move onto another position.  Ending a semester well in school means that you do your very best all the way through, no matter what challenges you face.  Ending a relationship well means that you remain friends and continue to pray for good things for the other person.  Ending a year well means that you can give thanks for the wisdom gained in that year from walking through the highs and lows with God.

I am ending this year with two people that I treasure, my sister and my Aunt Charlotte. Over the past few days, we have enjoyed the delightful dining in Durham, explored new territory, dreamed new dreams, and celebrated with new friends.  While this has been a bittersweet year, my heart continues to be molded into something that feels everything more deeply.

Because my parents lived honorable lives, they finished well. My mom changed the lives of countless students, many with special needs, and many who were incarcerated, and left a love of learning and thirst for adventure to all whose lives she touched.  Even after she was gone, she is still serving her church through an endowment that she left.

My dad touched many lives with his humor and generosity.  His green thumb allowed him to create a beautiful environment in nature wherever he lived.  His funeral honored his 23 years of military service.  As they presented the flag to my sister and me and played taps, we felt that this was a beautiful ending to an honorable life.

"On behalf of the President of the United States, the Department of the Air Force, and a grateful nation, we offer this flag for the faithful and dedicated service of Master Sergeant Roswell S. Harding."

For everything lost and everything gained, everything celebrated and everything grieved, 2011 has indeed finished well.

It’s been a long time since I had Chinese food, so the other night, I decided to find a place for take-out close to me.  I looked online and ordered online (I hate using the phone).  I looked at an online map and thought I knew where it was, but the place I was thinking of was not the place I ordered from.  I drove around trying to find it, but was totally unsure where I was going.  I kept going down one road for a while, then decided that it couldn’t possibly be that far away and headed back home. As I got deeper into “Lostville” my anxiety level rose. I wasn’t really afraid of being lost, since Durham seems to just be one big circle and if you keep driving in 20 minutes you’ll end up where you started.  My real fear was that my food would get cold and we all know how difficult it is to heat up fried rice.

I looked at the address again, plugged in Matilda (my GPS – named for her Australian accent – I like the way she says “Boo-le-vahd”) and was on my way to the Chinese restaurant.

It turns out that it was just a little farther down that road I was on and if I would have continued just another half a mile I would have found it.

As you’ve probably guessed, this is my cheesy God analogy.  I’m sure that sermons are peppered with GPS analogies these days, since it lends itself so well to God’s direction in our lives.

I think many of us have the GPS in the glove compartment, but don’t plug it in until we are hopelessly lost.  People who never pray – all of sudden pray like crazy when they are in danger or are faced with a serious illness. We live life like we think we know what we are doing – guided by landmarks that while they are here today, may not be here tomorrow.  We don’t savor the journey because we are not exactly sure where we are going and many times stop just short of achieving our goals.  We quit when it gets hard because we can’t see how close we are.

When we choose to let God guide us in our lives, we can relax and know that even if it seems dark and confusing, God will take us to a place of wholeness and peace.  Putting our total trust in God allows us to quit worrying and enjoy the journey.  Even if we don’t know exactly where we are going, our journey is more peaceful when we can trust that God will take us to the place where we should be.

Thank you for my spiritual mentors, John Powers, Carolyn Sargent, Joanna Walsh, Sam Wells, Steve and Jeannie Harper, Billy Ray Jennings, Wally Cook, Jim Lake, Brinda LeBleu, Linda Tice, Isaac Hunter, Don DeBevoise, Jeff Linman, David Baxter, Rod Pinder, Mark Bates, Paul Chilcote, Sally Bates, David Harris, and Jim Mitchell who continue to shine light on my spiritual journey and guide me closer to God.

Thank you for all of my music colleagues and mentors who have helped me grow in my love of music to where I have finally found my place as a musician – in the audience!  I am especially grateful to Laszlo Marosi and Alex Jimenez for introducing me to the most beautiful orchestral music that I have ever experienced and instilled a lifelong love of it in my heart.  Thank you for my former colleagues who provide this for their students, and enrich our society by enriching their musical souls. Thank you for the organists Kraig Lenius and David Arcus who have reached a place of my soul with their music that is too beautiful to describe in words.

I am grateful to my former students, who taught me how to be a student and served as great examples of high achievement. They all live in my heart.

Thank you for all of the people who made it possible for me to study and worship and Duke Divinity School – the people who wrote recommendations, the people who gave generously in the form of gifts and  scholarships, and the professors, preceptors, administration, and staff who make it such a beautiful place to be.

I am grateful to my friends in the churches that I have belonged to and who are in school with me now.  I give thanks for their love, acceptance, friendship, and their presence in my daily life that gives me strength each day.  I am especially grateful for the FUMCO choir members, Starbucks Sisters, Señora DeLima, the Emerald Pond Bible study group, and Bridddge 2011 participants

Thank you for my ex-husband David – who called me on my religious hypocrisy and broke my heart open so that the light of God could enter it and work the miraculous healing power that has shown me the way to become a true disciple of Jesus.

Thank you for my family:  My beautiful daughters who are a delight in my life, my sister who has been with me through it all, Aunt Charlotte who taught me about love and comfort, and all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins who live such honest and authentic lives.

Thank you for the time with my parents and for the honor of being with them at the end of their lives and for the legacy of wholeness that they leave to me.  This Christmas, I have everything I could possibly want. I have so much gratitude that I can’t possibly name everyone who has touched my life.  I pray for that peace to envelop everyone who has been part of my spiritual journey and surround them with the love that brings healing to all of their hearts.

Be with us all and live in our hearts this Christmas.

Amen.

When the semester is over, she drives home with her dog, to have dinner waiting for her with her loved ones.  She sleeps in her comfortable room, goes to one of her favorite Christmas performances, has lunch with her best hometown friends, meets with the people who have been supportive mentors to her, and has a reunion with friends from middle school and from high school.  When she goes to her home church, she gets at least a hundred hugs from people who are genuinely happy to see her.  She drives back home with a full heart and knows that she brings “home” with her wherever she goes.

This second career college student is thrilled to have such beautiful daughters who can reverse the roles and nurture their momma. Brittany cooked a better Thanksgiving dinner than I have ever made.  When the semester ended it was great to stay with Danielle at her comfy home in Winter Park and go to the Disney Candlelight Processional.  I got to catch up with the Starbucks Sisters over lunch, and was inspired by meeting with my spiritual mentors who continue to reflect God’s love and support me in my discernment of God’s call.

Seeing all of the beautiful choir members and the wonderful people of my church, filled my heart with love.  An added bonus was seeing students who were in my jazz band when I taught at Discovery Middle School at one of their graduation parties. What a great reunion. I’m so proud of all of them.

I took a trip over to Cocoa Beach on my way out of town to have coffee with Karen, my BF from high school, as we sit back and watch our kids get older and more independent.

First United Methodist Church of Cocoa Beach

A powerful part of my journey was at my mom’s church in Cocoa Beach. With the prayers of the pastor, I scattered her ashes around the garden of this place that she loved for so many years.  My tears were of joy, peace, and love for her and all she did to give me a life where I truly feel like the luckiest person in the world.